


1 to 8

by loopyedips (lilikoiok)



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Captain America: The Winter Soldier, M/M, Memories, Nostalgia, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, WS!Bucky, pre-established love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-20
Updated: 2015-05-19
Packaged: 2018-03-31 09:27:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3972829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilikoiok/pseuds/loopyedips
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s been over a year since Steve found out that his best friend had become the assassin known as the Winter Soldier. When he finally finds his elusive friend, though, Bucky seems disconnected from the world. Steve tries his hardest to bring him back and sees Bucky’s recovery take form over the progression of eight actions.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1 to 8

**Author's Note:**

> My first full length fic that I’ve ever written. I hope you all like it, please leave feedback so I can be a better writer!
> 
> Thank you to the beautiful creature that is ALEX for being my beta and reading this.

Steve woke with a start. His head was foggy and he was trying to make out what had happened last night.

He looked down at the chair he was sitting in and then across the room at his bed. A mop of tousled brown hair was resting on his pillow and, below it, a familiar body with a less familiar metal arm.

He could hear Bucky’s soft snoring from the opposite corner of the room.

_‘Bucky? Is that you?’ Steve called out. Bucky’s eyes had told Steve that he was afraid and that he wanted to run, but he didn’t. He had stood there in the middle of the street, staring and letting Steve approach him, almost frozen. He looked miles away even though there was only a few feet between them._

_Steve got up close to him and held onto Bucky by his flesh arm. Bucky didn’t flinch. Steve led him on to a helicarrier that headed straight for the Avengers facility._

_They walked through the door, Steve clinging on to Bucky with Maria close behind them. Everyone stopped and stared at Bucky. This was the man that they had been spending so much of their time and resources trying to locate._

_Steve took Bucky to his room and left him there to sleep on his bed. As much as he wanted to make sure his friend was comfortable, he couldn’t. An impromptu meeting of Steve and Maria had been called by Fury to write a report on the mission of finding the ex-Hydra assassin._

“Oh,” Steve said aloud. ‘That’s what happened last night,’ he thought.

Bucky stirred in the sheets, but didn’t wake. He looked rigid on the bed, as if he was laying on the hardwood floors.

Heaven knows how much sleep he had gotten in the past months. He had to have been constantly on the run, because every time Steve would get a lock on him, he’d disappear.

The bags under Bucky’s eyes looked vicious. They gave his eyes a sunken quality that made him look more intense than he ever had before.

 

-

 

20 minutes had passed since Steve had woken up. He’d been staring incredulously at Bucky for so long.

_‘How did we finally find him?’ ‘How is he feeling?’_ he asked himself. The questions swirled around in his head as he sat and stared. Finally, _‘Will he remember me?’_

Steve had been putting off this question ever since he saw Bucky for the first time since the fall. The question had always been in the pit of his stomach and in the back of his mind, but he never wanted to answer it.

He shook it off and started to get ready for the day.

It was only 5:00, so he got dressed for a run and headed out into the brisk air.

 

-

 

Sam was about halfway through his first lap when Steve got out to run. He caught up in no time. Normally, Steve would lap him once or twice before settling down to Sam’s pace, but today he didn’t.

Sam took note of this; he knew something was wrong.

Although he was never really talkative during their runs, Steve said nothing at all today. He jogged slowly with his head down and his shoulders back.

Sam didn’t make an effort to talk, either. He just kept his eyes trained on his friend’s face, looking for shifts in his expression. He didn’t see any. Steve looked empty for the whole run.

“So I heard you finally found him,” Sam said after his breath had evened out when they were done.

Steve smiled slightly and nodded his head.

“Fury let the whole team know last night. Wanted to make sure we all could call off the search. This–this is a good thing right?”

This time, Steve made no movement.

“I get it,” Sam whispered quietly. “Well how is he? Any damage? Confusion?”

“I dunno,” Steve shrugged. “I haven’t talked to him at all since we found him.” Disappointment lingered in Steve’s voice. His expression became distant and empty again. Sam took note of this as well.

Sam bobbed his head slowly. After a few minutes of silence, he clapped a hand on Steve’s shoulder. “I know, it’s hard. I get it.”

“But…?”

“But nothing, Steve. You thought you’d lost your best friend forever. You find out you hadn’t but then, as soon as you do, he runs away. And now nearly a year later, you find him again.”

Steve blinked at Sam. He knew this. He lived it. So why was Sam telling him this?

“You’re afraid, Steve. You’re afraid he won’t remember you. You’re afraid he won’t remember you were best friends.”

He was right. Sam was always right; he always had an even mind. But it was more than that and right now, Steve couldn’t take it. He leaned up against a tree and nestled his face in his hands. His breathing became heavy, but he wasn’t crying.

Sam stepped back and gave Steve his space.

He rubbed his temples a few times before he started. “It’s just… He was my best friend. For a large part of my life, he was all I had.” The back of his throat felt raw and, for the first time since the serum, he felt tired after running. “He had an enormous universe,” he continued, “filled with different friends and acquaintances and family members. But Buck–he was my whole world. I didn’t have anyone else.” _‘I loved him,’_ Steve thought.

He wasn’t making eye contact with Sam, but he knew he was listening.

“And now, if he forgot everything… I just don’t know how I’d deal with that. It would be like starting over. And I’m never any good at beginnings.”

 

-

 

Everyone at the facility was just starting to get into their routine when Sam and Steve walked in.

The agents at the front greeted them quietly but warmly. “Good morning Stephens, Velasquez,” Steve said without looking up.

Sam headed towards the elevator with Steve in tow, not too far behind. They didn’t talk, but the atmosphere assured Steve that he could say whatever he wanted to at any moment, if he so desired.

They stepped into the elevator and Sam pressed the button for 4. The elevators moved fast and, at early hours, nearly no one was using them. But sure enough the elevator stopped at the second level, letting in a bright-eyed Sharon Carter with a cup of coffee in her hand.

“Rogers,” she said as soon as she stepped in. Steve nodded in recognition. “Wilson.” Sam gave her a quick wave of the hand.

The next ten seconds were spent in silence as the door closed and they went up to the top level. Sam stepped out. Barely anyone was up and bustling so it was pretty quiet. Steve and Sharon followed suit.

Sam made his way towards the kitchen but Sharon stopped and pulled Steve aside.

“I’ll meet you in the kitchen,” Steve called to Sam. Sam nodded without turning around, turned the corner, and kept on walking down the hallway.

His boot steps could be heard from the end of the hallway to where Steve and Sharon stood staring at each other. A few agents passed by and doors opened and closed, but Sharon waited before she said anything.

Finally, once no one was around, “I take it you’ve heard about Aunt Peggy.”

“I have,” Steve nodded slowly. He had his hands intertwined in front of him and he was staring at his fingers. For the second time in the two hours he had been awake today, he was holding back tears.

“She’s in pretty bad shape,” Sharon said. Steve only nodded. “She really wants you to visit her.” It wasn’t a question as to whether he’d be there. She knew. And he knew. Sharon let out a sigh. “It’s hard, I know. I’m so sorry.”

“There’s nothing to be sorry for. I just...”

Sharon changed the subject. “And Barnes?”

“Haven’t spoken to him yet.” A few agents walked out of the door next to them. Steve cleared his throat as they said hello and walked away. “He’s been asleep all morning. I don’t even know if he’ll remember me, much less talk to me.”

“Well, from what Peg’s told me, you two were pretty close. You’ll get him to remember you, somehow. I know it.” Sharon wanted to say, _‘Pretty soon, he’ll be the only person left from your old life,’_ but she stopped herself.

They stood for a few more seconds until the quiet consumed them.

“Well, I’d better head off. Got a few reports to file.”

“Yeah, yeah sure. See you around, Shar,” and, with that, Steve walked off to the kitchen.

 

-

 

“Good Morning, America!” Tony shouted as Steve entered the kitchen.

Honestly, “kitchen” didn’t do it justice. It was a huge room and took up so much space that only it, along with some bedrooms, a few bathrooms, a couple of utility closets, and two offices near the elevator were the only rooms on the fourth floor in Building B.

It really was large, with kitchen appliances and utensils to one side at the right wall. A huge island, big enough to fit at least 8 people on each side of it, was set in the middle. Near the back of the room was a small breakfast nook and near the entrance were some scattered tables for personnel to eat at. The other half of the room was the bar, which was separated from the rest of the room by a dark curtain that extended the length of the room. The whole area was large enough to comfortably fit at least 100 people, Steve thought, probably more.

“Tony! Didn’t know you were coming today,” Steve remarked. Tony was, of course, staying in his own home unlike Steve who had abandoned his apartment in favor of the new facility. He occupied a room two doors down from the kitchen, but still made monthly payments to his old landlord to keep a place in the city just in case.

Every week, usually on Thursday and Friday, Tony stayed in the facility with the team. Today was Tuesday, though.

“Pepper’s away on business and I don’t wanna be alone, so I’m crashing here for a few…”

“Oh yeah, ‘course,” Steve nodded.

Sam and Natasha, who both also stayed at the facility (Sam sold his old home) were eating eggs and drinking orange juice at the island.

“Mornin’, Cap.”

“Morning, Nat.”

Steve went to the sink and filled a glass with water. He chugged it down in a second. He started to fill his glass again and Tony walked over.

Tony had a smile on his face, but it wasn’t his trademark, sarcastic smirk. It was soft and gentle. He approached Steve quietly, but Steve saw him coming and, as soon as he saw his “nice-guy” smile, he knew what he was about to be asked. Everyone he’d spoken to since the night before had asked him about only one thing. And he really wasn’t in the mood.

“So… Barnes?”

“Yessir.”

“You finally found him. That’s good!”

“I suppose.”

“You suppose?” Steve nodded sharply and, for once, Tony didn’t push further. Steve finished filling his glass and sat down at the island next to Sam, but after a few minutes of small talk, he realized he wasn’t up for this today.

“I’m gonna go shower,” Steve announced and quickly walked out the door. He headed over in the direction of one of the fourth floor bathrooms.

As he was walking past his room, he heard a loud crash. Immediately, he was worried: the walls and doors of the team members’ rooms were supposed to be very soundproof, “for, y’know, _privacy,_ ” Tony had said with a wink when the facility was being built.

“Buck!” Steve yelled out as he opened the door to his room, which he’d left unlocked. He ran in to see his coffee table flipped, his TV on the floor, and Bucky up and pounding his fist on the back window of the sitting room.

“Buck, hey! Bucky!” Steve yelled. Sam, Natasha, and Tony all heard it from two rooms down and came running over to see what was happening.

Bucky didn’t turn around, he just kept punching the glass.

“Sorry, bud, that won’t work. That glass is six inches thick,” Tony said when the three of them arrived at the room. Bucky continued punching the window. “But, by all means, keep trying.”

“He’s not trying to escape, Tony. He’s probably confused and upset,” Natasha explained.

Bucky let out a grunt with each punch.

“Bucky! Bucky. James,” Steve called out as he slowly approached the afraid man. “Hey,” he said and laid a hand on his shoulder.

Before Steve could react, Bucky spun around and punched Steve, square on the jaw, with his metal arm. Steve fell to the ground and Bucky stared at the other three with wide, horrified eyes. He stared down at his hand, and then at the back of Steve’s head, who groaned as he slowly got up.

Bucky turned quickly and walked from Steve’s sitting room into his bedroom and slammed the door behind him.

“Hey!” Tony called, walking towards the bedroom door, but Steve grabbed his arm and stopped him.

“It’s okay, Tony. He just needs time.”

They all walked back to the kitchen where Sam prepped a bag of ice for Steve, who didn’t really need it, but accepted it anyway and they sat in silence, not knowing what to say to one another.

 

-

 

It was 2:00 PM and the team had done a lot, surprisingly.

Steve and Natasha had organized some files on a man by the name of Wilson Fisk, who the agents at the facility had been gathering intel on.

Sam went out and gathered said intel, along with Maria and a few lower level agents.

Tony made rounds as he checked up on the tech functioning on the building. He also had ordered for two agents to be stationed outside of Steve’s room, in case Bucky “got out”.

_‘He’s not an animal, Tony,’ Steve told him. ‘He doesn’t need guards… I trust him,” Steve argued._

_“I don’t.”_

“I miss JARVIS,” Tony said as he entered the kitchen, where everyone met together after their tasks had been completed. “Don’t get me wrong, FRIDAY. I love you, hun. But JARVIS was my first.”

“Yes sir,” FRIDAY responded from the speakers in the ceiling.

“Well, Vision is somewhere around here if you wanna look for him, if you’re missing a friendly voice,” Steve explained.

“Nah, too much work. I’ll see him at some point this week.”

The four teammates, Steve, Sam, Natasha, and Tony, chuckled at Tony’s laziness. They were slowly chewing on the lunch that had been prepared for them by the chef Tony had hired for the facility, and were idly watching the news.

“Hey, should you maybe take a plate to Barnes? He’s been in that room since last night without eating,” Sam suggested.

“I was thinking the same thing, but maybe not this,” Steve said, looking down at his mostly-eaten salmon fillet on a bed of spinach. “No offense, Juan,” Steve said to the chef. “Your meals are phenomenal, I’d just like to make him something a little more personal.”

“Of course,” the chef said with a polite grunt and cleared space on the stove for Steve before he walked out of the cooking area. Steve got to work getting the ground beef out of the fridge, making a patty, and putting it on the grill. When it was nearly burnt on one side, he melted a slice of American cheese on it. He set it down on the bun he had laid out. He slathered mayo and ketchup on the top bun and took some pickles and put them on the side of the plate.

“Who knew Steve had such talent! Juan may be out of a job!” Tony laughed.

“What’s on the menu, Cap?” Natasha asked.

“It’s just a burger. I always used to make ‘em like this, pretty greasy, for Buck’s hangovers.” He paused, remembering how many times he’d done this. “He always wanted his pickles on the side.”

They each smiled up at him. Natasha’s phone went off. “Clint,” she announced, holding up her phone, and walked over to the bar.

Steve grabbed the plate and walked to his room. “Hiya, guys,” he said to the guards at his door. “You really don’t need to be here. Sorry Tony made you do this,” and with that, they walked off with a ‘Thanks, Cap’.

Steve walked into the room. His friend wasn’t in the sitting room, so Steve went back to his bedroom. He found Bucky with his back to the door, staring at his metal hand.

“Hey, Buck. How’re you doing?” Bucky didn’t look up or respond. “Alright, that’s okay, you don’t have to talk. I just figured you were hungry, so I made you some grub. It’s just a plain ol’ burger, but it’s how you used to like ‘em before…” Steve stopped himself. Bucky still hadn’t taken his eyes off of his hand. “Alright, well, I’ll leave it right here on the table. And if you’re hungry, it’s all yours.”

And with that, Steve closed the bedroom door behind him and walked out of his room.

 

-

 

It was night, finally, and the team was sitting in the den on the third floor. Rhodey was flipping through the channels on the TV, trying to find something to watch. Natasha and Wanda were speaking in the back and Tony was fixing up drinks in the mini-bar.

But Steve was sitting alone in the corner. His stomach was twisted. He had gotten through the day pretty well, but now he was hurting. His knees felt weak and his head felt airy. He felt guilt coursing through his veins.

He couldn’t stop thinking. Thoughts and feelings and memories were rushing through his mind.

He loved Bucky. Bucky was his best friend. Still was, even if Bucky didn’t know who he was. But, it was something more than that.

He loved Bucky. He had deeper feelings for him, and he knew this. It was confusing and hard to accept, but he found himself coming to terms with it when Bucky was enlisted, and he realized Bucky could die at any moment.

But now the team had found “The Winter Soldier” and everything Steve had lost before was suddenly back in his life. Steve felt out of place. And, what’s worse, the man that he loved wasn’t even the same man.

He couldn’t do this anymore: sit in the middle of everyone, pretending everything was fine when it really wasn’t. Upstairs was his best friend, the one that he could admit to himself he had feelings for, and he didn’t even know who he was. And Bucky didn’t know Steve. Or himself. And that’s what hurt Steve the most.

“Good night, everybody,” Steve stood up abruptly and swiftly walked out of the room, leaving behind a bunch of team members with confused looks on their faces.

“Is Steve okay?” Wanda asked.

“No, I don’t think so,” Natasha responded. “But he’ll get better.”

A few other people were waiting to use the Building B elevator, so Steve decided to take the stairs up one story. He entered his room, which was lit by only one small desk lamp in the corner of his sitting room. The door to his bedroom was still closed.

Slowly he closed the curtains, picked out his pajamas, and changed. He threw his clothes in his hamper and walked out of the room to go brush his teeth in the bathroom nearest his room. When he returned, into his room, the bedroom door was open and Bucky was standing with his back facing the entrance. Steve walked into the bedroom. The plate he had left on the table was empty.

“You ate,” he said as he walked in. Bucky tensed up. He obviously hadn’t heard Steve come in.

Bucky didn’t respond but just stood there.

“Alright, well, you can go ahead and have my bed tonight. I’ll sleep on the couch.”

His friend turned around. He stared at Steve for the longest time, but didn’t say anything. Steve felt the weight of sadness and guilt and love and nostalgia in the pit of his stomach.

Bucky’s eyes looked sad and longing. Steve grabbed a blanket from under his bed.

“Good night, Buck,” Steve finally said, Bucky still staring at him. His gaze softened a bit. It was barely noticeable, but Steve noticed it and smiled. He walked into the sitting room and over to the couch.

“Love you,” he whispered from his position on the couch. He had always done that ever since he had befriended Bucky: he told him he loved him before he went to bed. Always. It was a habit, and Steve was a very sentimental, emotional person. He had never been sure if Bucky had ever heard him before, but it didn’t matter to him because it was true. He loved him. Even now, when he didn’t know who _“him”_ was.

After a while, he heard Bucky’s soft snores that he had woken up to that very morning. He stood up and, as he walked across the sitting room, he peeked into the bedroom and saw that Bucky was fast asleep. He looked more relaxed than he had been this morning.

Steve retrieved a brand new notebook and pencil from the coffee-table in the sitting room that had previously just been for decoration. Now, it had some use.

_‘One: The number of times he looked at me today. He ate the food I made him. Nothing else,’_ he wrote. He closed the book, set it back down on the coffee table, and drifted to sleep on the couch to the sound of his best friend’s snores.

**Author's Note:**

> So I was told the whole “Steve’s room” situation was confusing so let me simplify it. There are many rooms belonging to specific team members on each floor in each building of the new facility (So Vision has a room, Rhodey has a room, Sam, Natasha, Wanda, Tony, Clint, Maria, Fury, etc.)  
> Each room has a sitting room and a bedroom and that’s it. Two smaller rooms within the “room” itself. And then everyone living on one floor shares two or three bathrooms... (think college dorms). Hope this clarifies things!


End file.
